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PROFILE

the rocker: honey jane dela cruz-way :D


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disenchanted onTuesday, October 06, 2009
~trigger~

kumbaga sa baril, ako yung trigger. i've been told na malakas ang boses ko, and that was not the first time that a teacher told me how i interrupted our class with my loud voice. pero that was the first time na sobrang nagalit yung teacher tapos dinismiss niya yung class, AGAD, pati yung lab class niya nung hapon na yun.

hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong ma-feel. in a way, nakakaguilty dun sa mga kaklase kong gustong matuto. taking into account kung gaano kabagal magturo yung teacher namin, yung 1 lost meeting na yun ay mahalaga. kung bagalan pa niya, sabi nga ng isa ko pang kaklase, baka next sem na kami matapos. pero hindi ako nagiguilty na malakas yung boses ko, kasi kahit anong gawin ko, ganun talaga ako. bata pa lang ako sinasabihan na ako na kailangan kong manahimik.. kahit sarili kong pamilya, gumagawa ng ways para mapatahimik ako... so ibig sabihin, kung magiguilty ako dahil sa malakas ang boses ko kanina, magiguilty ako all my life. gets? hindi ko siya kaya icontrol. pero ang alam kong kaya kong icontrol ay yung kung kailan ako dapat at hindi dapat nagsasalita. dyan pa siguro ako nagiguilty, pero hindi dahil malakas ang boses ko. haha. paikot-ikot lang yung sinabi ko.

malas ko lang talaga na nagsalita ako nung medyo nanahimik na yung mga tao... edi bonggang-bonggang pangingibabaw ng boses ko. well, alam kong dapat akong mag-sorry, in the same sense na dapat magsorry kaming lahat na hindi nakikinig at may ibang ginagawa. well, wala pa naman kasing papakinggan kasi nandun lang siya sa board.

ang guilty ay iba sa nakokosiyensya. hindi ako nakokonsiyensya na ipinakita kong hindi ako interesado kasi evil naman talaga ako.

i just didn't like the way that addressed me... i mean lahat nung sinabi niya, sinabi niya sakin. yung "ang lakas kasi ng boses mo" akin talaga yun, pero yung lahat hindi naman. my b**** self got the better of me kaya nung sabihin niyang uwian na, ipinakita ko talagang nagliligpit na ako ng gamit.

wala na. hindi ko rin gets yung point ng entry na ito. wala nga dapat ito kasi dapat ang ginagawa ko ngayon ay hum paper.. pero bago matapos, i think i owe my classmates an apology...

so imed, sorry. instead na tapos na yung lab niyo.. maeextend pa ng isang week.

babay.



have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
8:33 AM

disenchanted onThursday, September 24, 2009
~7 states~


today was one of those days na gusto kong maalala kasi proud akong nasurvive ko siya. marami naman atang ganoong days, especially sa imed. haha. halimbawa na lamang ay sa monday. kalahati ng klase ay may reporting right before a major exam. so kumakamusta namang toxicity yan. ;)

umaga, ok pa ako kasi nagising ako namang maaga para simulan ang biolab rep. usually pag monday, nagjijip ako kasi mabilis pa maaga, pero dahil na-engross ako sa paggawa ng biolab, nalate na ako ng alis ng bahay.. so LRT na lang. naabutan ko sa station si tristan, tapos sinamahan ko siya. edi nandun kami sa male area. tapos nakakaguilty kasi 2 trains na ata yung pwede siya makisiksik, kung hindi lang niya ako kasama. eh nagmamadali pa pala siya. bukod sa bayani si tristan kasi sa halip na mag-jip (dahil nagmamadali nga siya) ay naglakad siya para makasilong ako sa payong niya, ang point ko ay... emotional state #1: guilt.

nagstart na maglecture si mam de vera, ok pa kasi nakukuha ko naman lahat. nang bigla siysang tumigil sa may bandang esopagus... dandandandan...... exam results! yung exam na pinaghandaan ko ng bonggang-bongga. nagstay ako sa medlib hanggang 9pm. ni-trans ko ang notes ko. sinagutan ko ang lahat ng homework. BUT NO! hindi ko ilalagay yung score ko pero i was 10 f***ing points lower than my second exam. bagong record. nabeat niya yung biolab second exam ko. ito na ngayon ang pinakamababa ko in my entire bio life. i know kadiri pero i as biting my finger, to keep myself from crying. plus ang aking nervous tick, ang pag-amoy sa buhok ko. habang nirerecall yung questions and answers, yun ang ginagawa ko.. while praying na hindi ko malampasan yung quota kong 1 failure a day (kasi alam kong ibibigay na in yung biolab). so again, ang point ko ay..
emotional state #2: self-pity.

habang papunta ng lounge, nagrant ako kay mark r. hindi pa ako nakuntento. hinila ko pa yug buddy ko palabas ng MSU tapos dun ako nagant sa kanya para hindi ako marinig ng mga tao (na parang wala nang saysay kasi nilagay ko na rin ito sa blog ko so basically nagant na ako sa buong mundo). pagkatapos niya akong bigyan ng advice, sabi ko "buddy pa-hug naman.." tapos ni-hug niya ako at sabi niya "next time wag dito, masyadong public..." HAHAHA. need i say more?
emotional state #3: hiya.

pagbalik ko sa lounge, ayaw talaga ng yahoo mail so nagcompshop na lang kami ni mark r. pagdating dun, nakita ko yung outlines na gawa ng groupmates ko tapos sobrang iba-iba ng format. yung iba kulang, yung iba sobra. pero yun naman ang job ko eh, so ok lang. tapos nalaman kong yung mga info na kailangan ko ay hindi nasend sa email ko. by then, i was silently summoning good mood kasi i was choosing over being angry at some of my groupmates for not doing what i expected or being angry at myself for not telling them what i expected. nanalo yung at myself. buti na lang. kasi as it turned out, wala naman pala talaga silang kasalanan pero they even tried to make up for it. so thanks natsci groupmates na makakabasa nito, and sorry na i haven't been the best leader i can be. so yun nga, after ko magcompshop, sobrang umuulan na pala. eh wala nga akong payong diba. mega sugod ako sa pazmen, hindi naman pala dun yung histo. so lalong najustify yung inis ko sa sarili ko. kaya ayan....
emotional state #4: naiinis.

pagkatapos ng histo, na may gwapong yoshitsune guy na may 24 karat gold glitters habang tumatalon nang mataas, hinintay ko si mark r. sa may biolab. ang tagal niya kaya nagpunta na lang ako sa alva (compshop na naman) para tapusin na yung outline. at natapos ko nga... nang maalala kong, may questions pa! for an hour siguro, dirediretso lang ako nag-imbento ng mga tanong na MC at T/F. minsan nga yung MC ginagawa kong fill in the blanks, at T/F na rin (like which of the ff. statements is true?). at hindi pa ako naglalunch nun. alam naman ng mga tao na iba ang effect sa akin ng gutom, napaka-detrimental niya kaya...
emotional state #5: pressured.

tapos biolab na. naayos naman yung natsci namin (thanks groupmates!). hindi ko na idedetail kasi medyo marami kaming ginawa sa biolab.. gaya ng job ni whatever na magsuck at magblow ng blood. kayo ha.... alam ko iniisip niyo. :)
gumawa ng solution gamit ang triple beam balance. first time ko yun, pramis. tapos siyempre, dumaldal like i always do. then.... biolab results! isa ang ang masasabi ko... YEY! kung anong ibinaba ko sa biolec, siyang itinaas ko sa biolab.. o higit pa. so YEY at emotional state #6: overjoyed.

tapos natsci. reporting ng group 1. wala naman anything super remarkable bukod dun sa instance na napatunayan naming "great minds think alike". haha. funny lang na may mga instances pang ganun. yung after natsci ang mas funny. technically hindi siya after natsci pero after natsci ikiniwento sakin. hindi ko pwedeng ikwento kasi hindi ko nga naman kwento yun pero basta. napatunayan kong hindi lang ako ang nagkamali sa mga bagay-bagay sa world, di ba tristan? hahahahahahaha. sorry na, funny lang talaga.
emotional state #7: relieved and "amazed". :)

ang haba naman ng entry na ito. medyo isang oras ko rin ito ginawa. pero ok lang. nag-enjoy naman ako sa pagrecount ng mga emotional states that i've been through today. sana lang magawa ko nang maayos ang p6 labrep at makadiscuss kami ng matino bukas for our analysis.

good night.

babay.



have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
7:00 PM

disenchanted onThursday, September 17, 2009
~wala akong sasabihin..~

..kundi SALAMAT IPC-MATES. yeah. the eight of you. at to sir/dr. leslie din, kung mabasa niyo man po blog ko. thanks for all the understanding, patience, concern, appreciation and love. i couldn't thank you enough. i also couldn't imagine how yesterday's class would be if you were not my IPC-mates. despite everything.. oh, EVERYTHING that happened, i wouldn't have it any other way. ngayon ko lang kasi naprocess yung mga bagay-bagay.. pinostpone ko muna kasi may biolec. naisip kong it was a huge step, at least for me. sori naman dito na lang ako nag-state of the IPC class address. kahit puro ____ lang nagawa ko kahapon, sana may natutunan rin kayo from me kasi honestly, ang dami kong natutunan from you.

o ayan ha, confidential talaga. haha.

kahit marami pa naman akong chance kasi magkakasama naman ata tayo forever, gusto ko lang sabihin na mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat. seryoso. *hug*

this is not just looking on the brighter side. this is looking at the bigger picture.

ayan, may happy entry na yung blog ko. after a series of sad entries. haha.

thanks nga rin pala sa block13. sana magawa natin yun more often. not the race ha, yung mga laro natin after. eric, the cartwheel lord. :)



have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
4:42 PM

disenchanted onThursday, August 20, 2009
~catching up..~

isa't kalahating buwan na pala akong walang nasusulat sa planner ko. as in. dati para xang diary in bullet form, may keywords lang na magpapaalala sakin nung mga nangyari sa day na yun.

nung una nakakasulat pa ko everyday, bago ako matulog. nung magstart na maging toxic, parang every weekend na lang. ang hirap nga magrecount ng mga nangyari ng buong week, pero pinipilit ko pa rin. or pag wala na talagang time, nirerecord ko na lang (mas mabilis ikwento kaysa isulat). tapos dati every week may collage ako ng pics kasi everyday ko naman dala cam ko. ngayon, sa sobrang parati ko na syang nakakalimutan dalhin, namisplace ko na yung battery ng cam ko, kaya mas lalo ko na hindi nadadala.

wala lang. nanghihinayang lang ako sa memories. LU2 na kasi eh, next year 'tunay na med' na. medyo hiwa-hiwalay na rin kami, at masasabi ko ngayon na mahalaga sakin yung bawat memory (short-term or long-term haha) na magagawa ko with imed. kahit most of those memories ay acads-related, iba pa rin yung pakiramdam ng memories with people who share the same goal, to be a doctor.

i feel like i have a lot of catching up to do. again, not in the acads part. i want to catch up with other people. feeling ko kasi i tend to focus so much on my life, na para bang nalalampasan na ako nung opportunities to learn from others. and to do that, i must interact with them/you. and to interact with them/you kailangan friends kami/tayo. kaya pagpasensyahan nyo na pag minsan FC (feeling close, in case you don't know what that means) ako. kahit hindi lahat ng oras masaya kami, mahal ko pa rin ang 2015.

halata bang bum mode ako ngayon? hehe. saka na lang si hyman, pagtapos ko mag-emo. joke. wala lang. inieexercise ko lang ang aking limbic system.

basta dapat magsusulat/magrerecord na ako ulit. tapos pics. gusto ko ng bagong cam. haha. at gagawa ng more meaningful memories with imed.

PUBLIC ADVISORY:
hoy mga friendliness! miss ko na kayo. alam nyo na kung sino kayo.

isa pang PUBLIC ADVISORY:
happy birthday Marianne! miss na kita! labyu. :)

ayan. babay.



have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
4:53 PM

disenchanted onMonday, August 17, 2009
~the irony~

minsan talaga dumadating yung point sa buhay mo na narerealize mong iba na yung pinaniniwalaan mo ngayon sa pinaniniwalaan mo dati. alam kong mas tama yung dati, pero mas masaya ako sa ngayon. may part na namimiss ko yung dati kong 'paniniwala' kasi noon hindi pa komplikado ang lahat. pag may tanong ako, nasasagot at nakukuntento ako. pag di naman masagot, ayos lang rin kasi naniniwala naman ako sa Kanya eh. blind faith ba yun?

iniisip ko tuloy kung bakit ako lumayo sa Kanya. kasi kung alam ko yung rason, pag naalis ko yung harang na yun, edi ok na lahat. ang kaso, hindi ko alam. wala naman daw tupang naligaw tapos di nakabalik. how i wish ganun lang yun kasimple.

may point din na naenlighten na ako. yung tipong 'babaguhin ko na yung buhay' ko.. then poof! it became koko crunch. may nangyari tapos parang natabunan lahat ng enlightenment ko.

pag dating sa paggawa ng mga supposedly maling bagay, depende naman yan sa kung gaano kalupit ang diyos mo (take note: small d). yun ay kung may takot ka sa diyos na pinaniniwalaan mo.

ewan. hindi siguro lahat ng alam kong utos Niya ay utos Niya talaga. yung iba siguro dun misinterpretation na lang ng mga tao. after all, tao pa rin naman sila.. tayo. o baka gusto ko lang mabawasan yung pagka-mali nung mali ko.

mukhang matagal pa ulit bago ko makapag-isip ng mga ganito. maiintindihan naman siguro Niya na kailangan ko munang ipostpone ang pagmumuni-muni ko kasi toxic na uli ang mundo.

p.s. wala lang yan. isa yang malaking inside joke na Siya at ako lang ang makakagets. :)



have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
11:46 PM

~the irony~

minsan talaga dumadating yung point sa buhay mo na narerealize mong iba na yung pinaniniwalaan mo ngayon sa pinaniniwalaan mo dati. alam kong mas tama yung dati, pero mas masaya ako sa ngayon. may part na namimiss ko yung dati kong 'paniniwala' kasi noon hindi pa komplikado ang lahat. pag may tanong ako, nasasagot at nakukuntento ako. pag di naman masagot, ayos lang rin kasi naniniwala naman ako sa Kanya eh. blind faith ba yun?

iniisip ko tuloy kung bakit ako lumayo sa Kanya. kasi kung alam ko yung rason, pag naalis ko yung harang na yun, edi ok na lahat. ang kaso, hindi ko alam. wala naman daw tupang naligaw tapos di nakabalik. how i wish ganun lang yun kasimple.

may point din na naenlighten na ako. yung tipong 'babaguhin ko na yung buhay' ko.. then poof! it became koko crunch. may nangyari tapos parang natabunan lahat ng enlightenment ko.

pag dating sa paggawa ng mga supposedly maling bagay, depende naman yan sa kung gaano kalupit ang diyos mo (take note: small d). yun ay kung may takot ka sa diyos na pinaniniwalaan mo.

ewan. hindi siguro lahat ng alam kong utos Niya ay utos Niya talaga. yung iba siguro dun misinterpretation na lang ng mga tao. after all, tao pa rin naman sila.. tayo. o baka gusto ko lang mabawasan yung pagka-mali nung mali ko.

mukhang matagal pa ulit bago ko makapag-isip ng mga ganito. maiintindihan naman siguro Niya na kailangan ko munang ipostpone ang pagmumuni-muni ko kasi toxic na uli ang mundo.

p.s. wala lang yan. isa yang malaking inside joke na Siya at ako lang ang makakagets. :)




have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
11:40 PM

disenchanted onWednesday, August 05, 2009
~MCR's Drugs~




have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
3:17 PM

~MCR's Kiss The Rain~




have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
3:14 PM

~MCR's Death Before Disco~



have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
3:11 PM

~Paramore + No Doubt. cool. :)~




have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
3:05 PM

disenchanted onThursday, March 26, 2009
~song for him~

You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift


You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Walkin the streets with you in your worn out jeans
I cant help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on the park bench thinkin to myself
Hey isnt this easy?

And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I havent seen it in awhile, since she brought you down
You say you find I know you better than that
Hey, Whatcha doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standin by, waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Oh I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
I think I know where you belong. I think I know it's with me.

Can't you see that I'm the one who understand you?
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

Standing by or waiting at your back door
All this time how could you not know that
You belong with me
You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me


wala lang. :))




have you heard the news that you're dead? no one ever had much nice to say
7:24 PM